Sibling Fights
As difficult as it is to deal with your kids fighting with each other, I can’t help but wonder if this can be something GOOD for them in the long run. After all, life is hard and you have to be able to figure out how to deal with arguing and defending yourself in intimate settings. Avoiding ALL conflict may bring unrealistic expectations for when your kids grow up and live in the real world. When kids are babies/toddlers, it makes sense to step in and physically adjust them so that everyone is safe and it is understood what is not tolerable in your home. However, as your kids grow up and are able to follow rules and reasoning, there are some helpful suggestions.
The Parenting Partnership has some great tools and suggestions!
Intervene only when necessary - Ignore as much as possible the low-level bickering but when things are heating up, take a deep breath and simply state what you see.
“I see two boys who both want to play with the same car.”
“I see one boy who used to have the car and still wants to play with it. I see another boy who wants to play with it as he now has it.”
We often try and solve a problem by ascribing blame or judging — “why can’t you just ask and play nicely. You are just too aggressive with your brother!” Just stating calmly what you see gets their attention, shows you are objective and deescalates the situation.Console them to calm the situation - We cannot learn when we are flooded with emotion. At this point, you need to right the ship, offer life jackets and get back to calm waters. “Goodness I can see you are both really upset and need my help. I have two arms, one to hug each of you and then we work this out” or “I think that we all need a moment to cool down.”
Be curious - It was only when we take the time to get to the feelings behind the actions that we begin to understand the behavior. It might sound like this,
“For you to speak to me like that shows me just how angry you feel. I am wondering whether you’re thinking that he always gets first choice?”
“I am thinking that you were not sure that you wanted to give that car away and that you are regretting the decision?”
or
“I’m thinking that your swimming lesson was tough today and that you are still a bit mad about it.”Empathize - By accepting the underlying emotion, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, and using the ‘name it to tame it ‘approach – such as annoyed with your sister who gets it all right, jealous of your little brother for getting all the attention, frustrated that you should share, we give our kids permission to have the feelings. When the underlying feeling is accepted, and named, then they will be able to begin to learn to regulate and manage the feelings and move on.
Set limits respectfully - All emotions are acceptable but some behaviors are not. When everyone has cooled down, revisit the behavior and help them (without any judgment) say in their own words what happened: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” For more on this read our blog on positive discipline. Where appropriate, invite them to make amends. Forced apologies are not valuable but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy. “Does Emma need a hug?”.
Help them manage next time - Invite your kids to come up with their solution for helping them manage their anger next time they are ‘annoyed’ or experience another strong emotion. This is best done in a quiet moment when you are connecting with your child. “I know you don’t always want your sister around when you are playing with your Lego. She likes being with you. I am wondering what you could say to let her know that you are getting upset?”
Give positive attention - Notice and mention all the things they get right through the process - their engagement, their creativity in problem solving, their willingness to make amends. Keep the process positive and descriptive and they will take on board the learning. If we criticise, blame or punish, they will feel belittled, or resentful and feeling poorly about themselves means it is more likely that the behaviour will reoccur. Children are born with an instinct to get things RIGHT.